Remembering Rabid Groundhogs

Before too much time passes and I forget it completely, I absolutely must preserve "The Groundhog Story" from our family vacation at Sandy Cove last summer. Suffice to say, if I had a video camera to record what I witnessed that day, I'd have a guaranteed #1 YouTube hit.

A bunch from our family were staying in a small cabin at Sandy Cove in Maryland. Sandy Cove is a fun family destination where you can camp, play sports, go out on a boat, and just enjoy the outdoors together. One day, maybe mid-afternoon, I came back to our cabin on my bike and went inside only to be told by a wide-eyed Aiden (my nephew) to "watch out!" Brian (my brother-in-law) and Aiden had spotted a very large groundhog underneath our cabin. Being the curious type, they had wandered towards it to get a better look, assuming that like all other groundhogs, it would run away. Instead, it started walking towards them. Brian quickly scooped up Aiden and got inside the house, just in time. Being alerted of this upon my arrival, I hurried to the window to try and spot it. No luck. Either way, we all assumed something was wrong with it, so I volunteered to quickly bike over a few hundred yards to the office and notify the manager, Bob. When I got back, I saw it walking around the cabin area and go under a nearby camper parked there. As if I was going to teach it a lesson, I picked up my Mom's cane and cautiously walked outside, only to be followed by my sister Bonnie with a video camera on her shoulder. I also picked up a softball sized rock that was laying nearby...just in case.

The series of events after this point can only be described as stunning, mind-boggling, hilarious, incredible, and unbelievable.

As we crept towards the groundhog, my sister and I passed an old picnic table and I nonchalantly joked that if we were attacked, we would jump on top of the picnic table. Oh sweet justice. After another 30 seconds or so of poking around, the groundhog spotted us and started walking towards us. We inched backwards. Then out of nowhere, it ran directly at us, already in a full sprint. My sister shrieked and we panicked...ending up (of course) right on top of the picnic table. We were trapped! The groundhog ran directly underneath the table we were standing on, and stopped. Then, snarling and snorting, it started going from side to side, trying to get up on the attached bench. My sister (29 years old) kept repeating "Oh my gosh Stephen! OH MY GOSH STEPHEN!" while clutching my arm with a death grip. The groundhog would show it's head on one side of the table, try to paw its way up, then disappear under the table as I attempted to smack it with the butt of the cane. This went on for what seemed like 5 minutes, but probably was more like 45 seconds or so. We were turning around and around trying to find it, assuming that with the next turn, it would be up biting our ankles.

So there we were, a site to behold: two mid-to-late twenty somethings "run up into a tree" by a rabid groundhog. Finally the groundhog was distracted and it walked out from under the table. Still fearing for our lives, we double timed it to the cabin. We remained in disbelief as to what had just happened! Little did we know, this was only about half of the "entertainment" that this particular groundhog would provide.

A few minutes after our picnic table episode, Bob came riding up on a golf cart to inspect the situation. We excitedly filled him in on the gushy details of the previous 5 minutes, and he mentioned how he'd already called the local "exterminator" in the area (a local hick with a shotgun) and notified his maintenance manager. From our porch we started scanning the area to find the groundhog and keep a closer eye on its location. Bob, who was a fit man but about 60 years old with white hair, knelt down in front of our porch to see if it was under our cabin. Seemingly out of nowhere, the groundhog came walking from under the porch directly towards him. What followed was a scene for the ages.

Bob started backing up slowly, then quickly; he ended up in a very fast pace power-walk, nervously glancing over his shoulder, as the groundhog continued its waddle-like pursuit. I chimed in with something to the tune of, "watch out, he can run!". Bob turned around just in time to see that the groundhog had transitioned into an all-out sprint, and naturally Bob started sprinting too...running as fast as his legs would take him. There they were, quite a pair. For at least 50 yards, man was chased by beast in the arena of the open gravel campground. The entire chase scene belonged in a movie... was better than a movie... and all happened so fast. Eventually the groundhog broke its pursuit and ended up (again) underneath a nearby cabin.

After the excitement calmed down, and after a few minutes of animated recaps, Larry the maintenance manager showed up in an old 12 passenger van. As we filled Larry in with the details, we also scoured the cabins to find the groundhog and waited for the "exterminator." When 5 or 10 minutes passed, Larry was casually standing next to his van with the door open, leaning on the open window. The van was parked so that it was between Larry and the cabin, blocking his view of it. I was talking nearby with Bob and Bonnie about something or other (most likely groundhog related), when (once again) out of nowhere, the groundhog came bolting out from the cabin the van was parked in front of, under the van, and right towards Larry's unsuspecting ankles. At about the point when the groundhog reached the middle of the underside of the van, I screamed "GROUNDHOOOG!" while pointing under the van. Without hesitation, and at just the last moment, Larry awkwardly dove full extension into the van seat and slammed the door shut. With fully-justified groundhog-murdering intent, Larry turned on the van and slammed it into reverse. I could only watch, not sure whether to laugh or cry or cheer or all three at once. Back and forth he went, tires spinning, gravel flying, with the crazed groundhog darting from one side of the van to the other...then out. It had narrowly missed a violent, crushing death. Once again, the groundhog escaped from our grips and disappeared into safety underneath a nearby cabin.

Since I'm not sure how much more of this story you can take, I can say that fortunately it does end shortly. After another few minutes of standing around talking, the "exterminator" (named Joe) finally arrived in a beat up pickup truck with an old shotgun. We searched and searched for the soon-to-be-dead groundhog, careful to look under each cabin, but couldn't find it anywhere. Apparently it had won the day. After carefully looking for at least 15 minutes we decided to give up, so Joe gave us his phone number in case it returned. As we were walking back towards our cabin, suddenly I saw it! About 3 or 4 cabins down from where it was last spotted, the groundhog had scurried from underneath one cabin to another. I notified the others, and we formed our battle positions. Joe was perched on the porch of the adjacent cabin, ready to shoot. Larry had a broom from his van and was laying down on the grass trying to coax it out from underneath the cabin by repeatedly poking at it. Given the recent events in Larry's life, he must not have fully thought that move through. The groundhog grew tired of being poked and came running right at him. Larry jumped up and started to run, getting up just in time, and Joe took a shot. BAM! A miss. Or at least that's what we think...because the groundhog jumped, turned, and ran back under the cabin. After additional poking and prodding, in its animal-like dumb fashion, it came back out to chase us, only to be forever put out of its misery by a well placed shot from Joe. It instantly fell sideways motionless.

That, finally, is the end of the rabid groundhog story. What an experience. If only I could record the events my eyes witnessed that day...

First Entry, For No One

So, mark the day. It's June 23, 2008, and I have started a blog.

I can quickly see that this isn't going to go very far, especially since I'm already running out of things to say.

Instead of trying to impress people that aren't reading this anyway, I'm going to use this blog as an entertaining way to document and capture fun things in life that I would otherwise forget. Let's hear it for memories.